Kingdom Hearts: The Outtakes
by micman60
Summary: The many outtakes of the Kingdom Hearts series! Rated M for  mainly  bleeped-out swears, and future drug use. Now finished in glorious 3rd person narrative!
1. Chapter 1: First Blood

Kingdom Hearts: The Outtakes

Chapter 1: Sora's Awakening

TAKE 1

Roxas: Sora... You're lucky. Looks like my summer vacation...

(Sora emits a high-pitched fart. Roxas stands there looking dumbfounded, then bursts into laughter)

Sora: (sleepily) Damnit, too many burritos...

(Roxas laughs harder)

TAKE 2

Roxas: Sora, you're lu-

(Roxas bursts into laughter again)

Sora: I didn't even fart that time!

TAKE 3

Roxas: Sora, you're lucky. It looks like my summer vacation... Is ov-

(Sora pounces on Roxas)

Sora: GET INTO MEEEEEEE!

(Roxas goes into a laughing fit as Sora humps his leg)

~~~~~LIMITBREAK~~~~~

Clapperboard guy: Scene 5009, Roxas finds Sora's pod! Action!

(He closes the clapperboard on his finger)

Clapperboard Guy: OH SHI-

TAKE 2

DiZ: Hakuna Matadaaaaaa!

Roxas: ...WHAT.

DiZ: It's a Disney game, I need to get my Disney knowledge on!

Roxas: But you're just in a quarter of the game - If that - and the closest you get to Disney is Mickey Mouse!

DiZ: Yeah, the *BLEEP*ing king of Disneytown!

Roxas: You're stoned, man, you're st- *BLEEP*! MY STASH!

(Roxas runs away)

Sora: (muffled) ...It means no worriiiies!

DiZ: For the rest of your daaaaays!

Both: HAKUNA MATADAAAAA!

(Everyone offset claps)

TAKE 3

DiZ: At last, the Keyblade's chosen one.

Roxas: Who are you talking to? Me? Or Sora?

Sora: (muffled) you, dumbass!

(several people offscreen laugh. DiZ begins to laugh as well)

TAKE 4

DiZ: I am a servant of the world. (laughs) And if I'm a servant, then you should consider yourself a tool, at best.

Roxas: ...You bastard.

(Roxas walks off set)

Roxas: _I've been called a nobody, a lamer, and then a nobody a few more times. Now i'm a tool? *_BLEEP_* you all, find another *_BLEEP_*ing actor._

(the director sighs in frustration)

TAKE 5

(Roxas runs up to DiZ and strikes through him. The Keyblade creates a wave of data through DiZ. Roxas, surprised, stands straight)

DiZ: My apologies. This is only a data-based projection.

(Roxas screams in anger, and futilely strikes DiZ repetitively with the Keyblade. DiZ vanishes and reappears behind him while Roxas catches his breath)

Sora: (Muffled) _He's not THERE, dumbass!_

(DiZ and Roxas start to laugh. The Director screams)

Director: GRAAAAAH! FOR *BLEEP*'S SAKE, CAN'T YOU DO A SINGLE SCENE RIGHT? SORA, YOU LITTLE SMARTASS, GET OUT OF THE *BLEEP*ING POD NOW!

(Sora walks out of the back of the pod shyly)

Director: Get off my stage.

Sora: W-What?

Director: GET OFF! OFF OFF OFF!

(The Director runs at Sora with his director's chair. Sora runs like hell)

Director: Ok, I'VE handled God of War II and Kratos can follow instructions better then you saps! For *BLEEP*'s sake, a drug-addled prima-don-

Roxas: -But God of War 1 hasn't even been released!

Director: SPECIAL EFFECTS HAD TO BE ADDED!

(Everything goes silent)

Director: So... Instead of it being a single, SMOOTH scene, we'll shoot the pod opening seperately.

Roxas: But-

(The Director snaps at the "But", throwing his chair at Roxas and narowly missing him. He then pushes a table over offscreen and pushes the camera down, before roaring and storming out)

Roxas: ...I do believe I now have a boner.

(People offscreen laugh and clap. A car alarm goes off in the distance)

AN: I noticed the break there didn't show, so I added a new one that DID show up. Sorry about that.


	2. Chapter 2: Khavot's Revenge

Chapter 2: The Struggle

(Roxas runs to the Sandlot, where many people have gathered to watch The Struggle)

Pence: Who you gonna root after?

Olette: Both of them, silly.

(Pence smiles coyly. Olette realises what just happened)

Olette: Oh *BLEEP*! You perverted, fat piece of shi-

(The crowd cheers. Pence starts laughing as Olette wails on him)

TAKE 2

Pence: Who you gonna ro- *laughs* I'm sorry, I can't do this.

(Pence walks offscreen, presumably to the snack table)

Olette: Meh. I'm outta here.

(Olette walks offscreen also)

Director: ...Fuck.

TAKE 3

(2 interns who look nothing like Pence and Olette are standing in their places)

"Pence": Who are you going to root for, Olette?

Olette: *in angry tone* Both of them, you fat, perverted piece of shi-

~~~~~LIMITBREAK~~~~~

Ringman: Who will be the one to break through the ranks and take on our champion, Setzer!

Rai: Seifer, y'know!

Ringman: And who will leave today as our new Struggle Champion!

Olette: Hayner!

Pence: Roxas!

Fat Man Behind Them: NACHOS!

(Pence and Olette look behind them)

Pence: What the- Oh, hey dad!

(Olette tries to stop herself, then bursts out laughing)

Director: ...SECURITY!

(Security comes and drags Pence's Father off)

TAKE 2

Ringman: And who will leave today as our new Struggle Champion!

Olette: Hayner!

Pence: Roxas!

Fans: Setzerrrrr!

Pence's Father: ..._Nachos!_

(A tasing sound is heard, followed by a loud thump and a dragging sound)

TAKE 3

(The camera begins filming, but it falls off the stand)

Cameraman: S-Sorry, Sir!

(The Director sighs)

TAKE 4

Announcer: Hey, now. It's time to introduce today's combatants! The four badasses who struggled their way through the preliminaries! Regular finalist and head of the Twilight Disciplinary Committee: Seifer!

(Shows Seifer. A slightly overweight man in a speedo runs into the background and begans thrusting, making it look like he's banging Seifer's shoulder)

Announcer: Completely out of nowhere-who knew he'd make it so far this year? Vivi!

(Shows Vivi. The man pretends to bang Vivi's hat)

Announcer: An underground favorite and local attitude problem: Hayner! It's his first trip to the finals!

(Shows Hayner. The man gets on his knees and pretends to lick Hayner's ear)

Announcer: And Struggler number 4, who happens to be my absolute favorite customer: Roxas!

(The man gets behind Roxas, but before he can do anything he is tackled by the Security team, beaten and maced, and then dragged off by his ankles. Hayner looks over during this and laughs his ass off. Roxas frowns)

~~~~~~LIMITBREAK~~~~~~

Roxas: Hey... Sorry about yesterday.

Hayner: What, you still worried about that? You need to learn to let that stuff go.

Roxas: I've got a lot on my mind.

Hayner: Sorry, man.

(Roxas shakes his head)

Hayner: Wait, what am I sorry for?

Roxas: Being a poser asshole.

Hayner: ...You little son of a bi-

(Hayner begins wailing on Roxas with his Struggle bat. Roxas is knocked back)

Roxas: HOLY *BLEEP*, what did you put in that?

Hayner: I filled it with cement, you ass!

(Hayner beats Roxas' face in with the bat)

Hayner: YEAH, LET'S SEE YOUR PISSY KEYBLADE DO THIS! *smack* GO SUCK A *BLEEP*, YOU *BLEEP*Y BLONDE EMO LOSER! *crunch*

(A tooth flies across the stage. The camera is dismounted and carried across to the fight, where Hayner realises he's on film)

Hayner: ...Oh CRAP.

(Hayner looks around. Everyone is looking at him)

Hayner: ...

(Hayner quickly turns to the camera and smashes the lense with his bat. The bar thing pops up)

AN: Sorry about the lack of break in the first chapter, just a little oversight. Also, there was an earlier "scene" where the announcer had a problem with saying "bad boys" and ranted about it, but it was lame so I cut it. Thus, Take 4 has him say "Badasses".

Also, the fat dude that says "nachos" was originally the Director's dad, but I thought that would invoke a _serious_ case of sequelitis, so I changed it to Pence's dad for Rule of Funny.

Also, just a random thought, does anyone else laugh at that high pitched "Setzerrrrr!" thing? It's just so... random, comes out of nowhere.


	3. Chapter 3: The Glory War

Chapter 3: Random Outtakes/Behind the Scenes

Because someone reported the story, this could be the final chapter, which sucks. If the story is deleted, i'll post it elsewhere and link the site to my profile. Here's hoping it doesn't come to that.

AN: Because I can't think of any particular scene at the moment.

Special AN: I am sorry for this bloody lack of breaks that's been happening lately. I'm working on using the LIMITBREAK, so hopefully it won't happen again. We now return you to your regularly scheduled chapter.

Scene: KHI, The End

Sora: Kairi! Remember when I called you the space cowboy?

Kairi: ...What?

Sora: _Play along._

Kairi: Uhh... something, something... Gangster of love?

Sora: Oh, forget it.

(Sora rolls eyes, Kairi looks hurt and reaches out to Sora a little)

~~~~LIMITBREAK~~~~

Scene: KHII, Return to Hollow Bastion

Sora: *Imitating Leon* We may never meet again, but we'll always remember each other.

Yuffie: Is that supposed to be Leon?

Sora: No, THIS is meant to be Leon! *imitating Leon* I like sleeping with 14 year old girls with magical water powers!

(Yuffie cracks up)

Sora: *still imitating Leon* Oh, look a quarOH MY I'M BEING SODOMISED.

(Yuffie starts hitting the wall as she laughs)

Sora: *still imitating* And that's one for the gag reel.

(Yuffie wipes her eyes as Sora stops)

Sora: ..._ILikePizza._

(Yuffie goes back into a hearty laugh)

~~~~LIMITBREAK~~~~

Talkshow Host: And welcome back to Expose! Today, we have a look at an early attempt at a themesong in the smash-hit game Kingdom Hearts. Utada sung both english and japanese versions of the theme, but did you know the english one was originally going to be by Brittany Spears? Let's listen.

_Yeah... Yeah, hit my with your key..._

_I see the worlds in trouble / Gotta help them, on the double_

_I whip out my magic key /It is so attached to me_

_Reminds me of that chick, I used to / lock her keyhole all night long_

_Her name was Kairi , even maybe / coulda been my fat! Old! MOOOOOM!_

_I'm Sora, i'm a player, I like dudes with snow white hair_

_I'm Sora, I like *_BLEEP_*ing chicks with really red, red hair_

_I'm Sora, I *_BLEEP_* *_BLEEP_* *_BLEEEEEEP_*_

_I'm Sora I jump doubledutch best when i'm weighed down by you in BEEEEED_

Talkshow Host: And people call UTADA a pop star!

-MEANWHILE-

Sora: Whoa, I suddenly feel really dirty.

Kairi: I suddenly had an urge to punch you in the face.

Riku: And I suddenly had an urge to jump on Sora's back and hump him silly.

(Sora and Kairi look at Riku with a disgusted look on their face)

Riku: ...What, it just happened!

~~~~LIMITBREAK~~~~

Sora: I'M A VIRGIN

(Sora stabs Ghostface)

Ghostface: Ow! That hurt!

Sora: Really? Dude, that's weak! It isn't even sharp!

(Sora goes to whack Ghostface in the back of the head with the blunt side of his keyblade and ends up slicing his head in half)

Sora: Uhh... Was he a heartless?

(Camera shakes back and forth)

Sora: ...Crap.

(Everything goes quiet for a moment)

Sora: ...Well, isn't anyone going to help me dump the body?

(There's a quiet moment again, then the camera shakes back and forth)

Sora: ...Useless bastards.

~~~~LIMITBREAK~~~~

Sora: Hey Kairi, if you had to pick a fetish would you pick bondage or medical objects?

Kairi: I dunno... I'd guess bondage. There's something about not being able to move or see, and knowing anything could happen.

Sora: Really? I'd pick bondage too, but i'd rather use ropes and gags then latex or tape. I love the feel of hanging there helplessly.

Kairi: ...Your place at 9?

Sora: 8:30, bring handcuffs.

~~~~LIMITBREAK~~~~

(Riku is using a computer)

Riku: Porn, porn, porn, spam, porn, porn of kairi, porn of axel -rawr!-... What's this? "Fan-Fiction"

(Riku clicks the link. A fiction pops up)

Riku: Hmm... "Sora's Night Out"... "Sora has a bachelor party before marrying You-Know-Who!" Ooh, sounds fun!

(Riku begins reading it out loud)

Riku: "The stripper grinded on Sora's pants with a passion matching a horny mexican, which was quite ironic since she was a horny mexican. Anyway, Sora was smiling but his eyes were glassy and dead. He was missing his bride..."

(Riku's eyebrows rise)

Riku: "...Riku." WHAT THE FUCK.

(Riku turns his monitor off post-haste)

Riku: Maybe it was a joke... Yeah, it HAD to be! He's obviously into Kairi, no-one would pair us!

(Riku turns his monitor back on and scrolls down the page)

Riku: "Riku thrust into So-" OH DEAR GOD AAAAAAAHHH!

(Riku punches in his monitor, which cuts his hand really badly. It also shocks him, causing him to tear his hand out of the monitor, leaving his thumbnail behind. Riku runs screaming into the kitchen and gets a large salt shaker. Without hesitaion, he gets a knife, stabbing the top of the shaker until there is a large hole. He pours a load of salt on his hand, screaming even louder while he does it. He then throws salt in his eyes before gnawing the rest of his hand off. Sora looks up from his laptop)

Sora: Hey Riku, what's up?

Riku: SHUT UP YOU GAY WHORE!

(Riku takes a knife and gouges out his eyes, then throws more salt in the sockets)

Sora: Emo.

~~~END~~~

An: Hoped you liked it, I sure had fun writing it. It went off the rails quickly, as you can see, into a world of terrible, terrible consequences.

For those looking for a **well-written **KH fiction that will make you laugh, go to my account and check out my favorite stories. There'll be one called Relaxation that details Sora, Riku and Kairi's first experience with weed. You need a pretty good imagination to really get into it, but either way it's a joy to read. I'd recommend it to everyone here.


	4. Chapter 4: Khavot's Return

Chapter 4: Inside the Voice Actor's Studio

AN: Another random one.

DiZ: Hello, and welcome to Inside the Actor's Studio. Today, we have a rising star in our midst, a kid who has belted out 3 and a half games and with no chance of slowing down. Ladies and gentleman, SORA!

(People clap, Sora walks onstage and sits down)

DiZ: Hello, Sora. It's been quite awhile, about 6 years now.

Sora: Yeah, yeah. Good times.

DiZ: So, Sora; I hear you've been penning a new project. Your first writing debut, if I assume correctly?

Sora: Yeah, my first. I have this... Idea for a porno where I save a prostitute from a gang of heartless and she offers me a free bang.

(DiZ nods interestedly)

Sora: And then the heartless come back and keep me occupied as a few go over to gangrape the prostitute.

(DiZ stops nodding)

Sora: And then she starts giving birth to full-size Shadow heartless and I end up haing to "Lock her Keyhole", if you catch my drift.

DiZ: ...You're *BLEEP*ing sick and crazy to boot, you know that?

Sora: Yes.

(Everything goes quiet)

DiZ: ...Have you even found an actor willing to play a prostitute that gets gangraped by a gang of heartless, and then start giving birth to them?

Sora: I imagine Kairi would fit the role.

-MEANWHILE-

Kairi: Woah, I just had an urge to savagely murder Sora.

Riku: And I-

(Kairi knees Riku in the stomach and duct tapes his mouth)

Kairi: I still don't understand how the duct tape keeps disappearing from your mouth.

(Riku makes a deep burping noise that blows off the duct tape)

Kairi: ...

(Kairi bursts into a fit of laughter)

Riku: To get beefy thighs like mine, you must first follow the 3 F's: Fitness, Fresh air and DUCT TAPE!

(Kairi gasps for air. Riku chuckles at the sight)

* * *

DiZ: Now, I believe you have some outtakes to show us?

Sora: Yeah, I do. After I bought out Disney, I got access to all the old Kingdom Hearts footage. Among the footage were these outrageous takes with swearing, debauchery and just overall silliness. I've only brought 2 for you today, im afraid, because the rest are in rather bad shape.

DiZ: Yes, that was caused by Joe knocking over the camera *chuckles*

Sora: Yeah, from that take where he chased me with a chair *laughs*. Good times.

Diz: Yes, well here are the outtakes Sora has brought to us today.

_Inside the Vault_

(Sora starts crying)

Hayner: Hey, are you alright?

Sora: Y-yeah. I don't know wh-

(A long, trumpeting fart comes from Pence's general direction. Everything goes quiet. Olette tries not to crack, but eventually she bursts out laughing, as does everyone else. Pence looks embarrased)

Sora: *In deep, dramatic voice* ALL ABOARD THE PIMP-ASS DISNEY TRAAAAIN!

(Donald cracks up)

Sora: _Copyright2005FreeDomain._

(Donald laughs even harder, dropping his staff)

Donald: You silly son-of-a-bitch!

* * *

(Everyone laughs and claps)

Sora: Yeah, some of the wizards at the castle are working on restoring the rest of the clips. I'll be sure to send you a few when they're done.

DiZ: That'd be great. Now, let's go to your work on _West Side Story..._

-AFTERWARDS-

(Sora and Riku are standing outside after the show)

Sora: Whew, thanks for the backup, Riku! I was sweating there for a minute!

Riku: Oh man, you shouldn't have mentioned your designer condom brand. Nothing is worse then college students and contraceptive advice.

(Sora's phone rings)

Sora: Hello? ...Oh, hey Charlie! ...Uh huh... BENDER? Count me- Uhh, wait just a second.

(Sora covers the mouthpiece)

Sora: Hey, Riku, wanna go clubbing?

Riku: DUH. I've been trapped in the dark realm for a year! You know how many clubs there are in the dark realm? 1. And it's a gay one. Not. Cool.

Sora: So... *tilts his head to the side*

Riku: **YES**, Sora. The duh meant **YES**.

(Sora nods, turns back to the phone)

Sora: Yeah, Charlie, we- IS THAT MY MOTHER IN THE BACKGROUND?

Sora's Mom: _Look, mom! No bra! WHEEEEE!_

~~~LIMITEND~~~

AN: Short chapter, composed almost entirely from drafts I wrote at school. You may wonder why Sora is so sophisticated about things earlier on, and then a total idiot. Let's just say Sora practiced for the show, and he really is an idiot deep down. After all, who isn't? *laughs* Though in reality, the Charlie Sheen bit was written today while the Inside the Actor's Studio bit was written yesterday.

You may also be itching to know why Riku was being duct-taped by Kairi earlier on. The answer? "Your grandma's hot."

Don't blame him, he was wandering around in the darkness, presumably without any form of vagina of which to satisfy himself! And only 1 club, which was a gay one at that!

He likes Kairi, but she doesn't seem that interested in him. Selphie's kinda hot, but she isn't interested in him either! Sora's Mom... Actually, Sora's mom would be a pretty good choice. "Sora, say hi to your new daddy!" "Sup, bro. How's the keyblade?" "O.O SDGSFGGH". Do I smell a new idea?


	5. Chapter 5: Vengeance

Chapter 5: The First Meeting

AN: Short chapter. I need some time to write good stuff. You see, that's the beauty of written notes: If you ever fall flat you can call on them to make a small but (hopefully) pleasurable temporary substitution.

(Sora is outside the Square casting office with a mysterious red-haired boy. Sora seems to know him, but can't put his finger on who it is. Suddenly he realises...)

Sora: HOLY *BLEEP*, CRONOOOOO!

Crono: WAUGH!

(Crono is knocked to the ground by a rabid Sora)

Sora: I HAVE ALL YOUR TRADING CARDS! *lick* I HAVE YOUR ACTION FIGURES! *lick*

(Squall puts down his newspaper)

Squall: Keep it down over here, I have a hangover!

Sora: 'Kaay.

(Sora cuts a lock of Crono's hair off and whispers in his ear. Crono goes stonefaced, then walks over to Squall)

Crono: Got a cigarette?

(Squall tosses him a carton of smokes. Crono takes one and lights it with his sword)

Sora: C-Crono? I didn't know you smoked...

Crono: _I DON'T._

(Crono is called into the office. Sora sits down. Everything is quiet)

Squall: ...H-Hey, kid.

(Sora looks around before realising he's the one Squall is talking to)

Sora: Yeah?

Squall: ...What did you think of Final Fantasy VIII?

Sora: Well... I never played much FF as a kid. I started a year or so ago with the original FF, and i'm working on getting a copy of FFX.

Squall: ...No FFVIII?

Sora: Sorry dude, nope. I really haven't heard of anything from FFIV to FFX. I hear FFVII is nice, but from the screenshots i've seen it looks pretty stupid.

(Squall smirks)

Squall: I know, right? The sword is ridiculous. The boss looks like a total girl.

Sora: Oh, I loved the sword, totally badass. But I agree about the boss dude, SUCH A GIRL.

(Squall and Sora laugh)

Sora: I hope we end up working together.

Squall: Me too, kid.

(Crono leaves the office, flicking a now-burnt out cigarette butt into a trashcan. Squall is next up)

Squall: Well, i'll hopefully see you on the stages.

Sora: You too. Have a good one.

(Squall goes in, leaving Sora alone. Things go quiet for awhile until...)

Squall: _WHAT!_

(Crashing, breaking glass and a variety of swearwords and racial slurs are heard from the office. Squall storms out and tears half the empty waiting room up with his Gunblade)

Sora: DUDE, WHAT THE FUCK!

Squall: THEY CHANGED MY NAME!

(An awkward silence follows)

Sora: ...That sucks, man.

Squall: I know.

(A police siren goes off in the distance)

Squall: Well, gotta split. Have a good life, kid!

Sora: Likewise, dude!

(Squall runs for it. The Casting Agent looks out into the waiting room and sees Sora)

Casting Agent: ...Hoo boy. If you promise not to tell anyone about this, we'll give you the lead in an upcoming project.

Sora: Whoo, deal!

~~~LIMITBREAK~~~

Casting Agent: Sora, meet your partners! Donald, Goofy?

(Donald walks out)

Donald: Nice to me-

Sora: HOMYGOD, A cartoon dog!

Donald: That's DUCK.

Sora: Sorry, I'm really tired and it's so hot in he- HOMYGOD, A cartoon dog!

Donald: DUUUUUUUCK!

Sora: No, behind you.

(Donald turns around to reveal Goofy)

Donald: DOG? Why, Goofy is the last of a species of hyperintelligent super beings from outer space!

Sora: ...Seriously?

Donald: No, he's a dog.

Goofy: BLEACH TASTES FUNNY!

Sora: ...Dear god. What have I signed up for?

Casting Agent: 9000 games, a line of sneakers, a line of breakfast cereals and a **compulsery **membership to Alcoholics Anonymous that kicks in around 6 months from now. That's just a precaution, because our last protagonist got plastered and jumped in front of a train. We had to buy the train so no-one would find out and we're currently working it into the sequel.

Sora: But the 1st game hasn't even been made!

Casting Agent: Kid, this is Square. We plan ahead.

Sora: You know, I'm starting to feel like i've made a huge mistake.

Casting Agent: That's what Nintendo said about the Nintendo 64, but we all know how badass that turned out to be!

Sora: It got beaten by a console with half the processing power.

Casting Agent: ...You start filming in the moring! Go to your trailer and get some rest, kiddo!

Sora: Sure thing... _Ass._

AN: Etc. Etc. Hang in there. Etc. Etc.


	6. Chapter VI: The Reunion Special

Sora: So, Kairi, what are your favorite foods?

Kairi: Hmm... gherkins and pickled onions.

Sora: Gherkins and pickled onions...

(A delightfully mischeivious smile crept it's way onto Sora's face)

Kairi: ...What?

Sora: Well... gherkins are long and bumpy... while pickled onions are round.

Kairi: What?

Sora: Kairi, take a gherkin and two pickled onions, positioning the onions under th-

Kairi: OH!

Sora: *giggle* Aww, you didn't let me finish!

Kairi: Sora, that's gross!

Sora: I'm sorry, that's just how my mind works.

Kairi: Well, I'm not a slave to Freud.

Sora: ...Slave...

(Sora starts to smile again)

Kairi: HEY!

* * *

Riku: Sora, why are you holding my dog's leash?

Sora: I was walking it, and it got away!

Riku: Doggone it!

(Sora stops for a second, then bursts out laughing. Riku joins him) 

* * *

Sora: Y'know what, I always wondered something about Captain Hook.

Kairi: Yeah?

Sora: Is he french, or english, or what?

Kairi: Now you mention it, I dunno. I never really watched the movie as a kid.

Sora: I think maybe he's meant to be a frech stereotype at the time. Big nose, Small pointy moustauche, flamboyant clothing...

Kairi: I bet he used to hit the club with Riku!

Sora: *laughs* That wouldn't surprise me.

Kairi: On the subject of Riku, what's with those pants in the first game? They're like... Ploof!

Sora: Maybe he filled them with sand to make himself look tough or something. It'd explain why he strapped his heels shut.

Kairi: Wait, if that's the case... Why was he so fast in the first game with the sand, but so slow in the second game with the jeans?

Sora: You're right! this can only mean one thing; the Riku in Kingdom Hearts II ISN'T THE REAL RIKU!

Kairi: OH NO! We have to tell the internet! Quickly, to KHinsider!

(Kairi runs off to her room)

***25 minutes later***

(Kairi comes back sporting a severely bleeding hand)

Sora: Jesus H, Kairi, what happened!

Kairi: I made a post on the forums. Half of them spammed my email account until they used up all the memory, and half told me to get into the kitchen and make them a sandwich. So, I punched in my computer screen. Turns out that's a really bad idea when you're using a RBG screen, because the glass cuts into your hand and wrist pretty deep.

Sora: Uhh... Kairi, shouldn't you have gone to Merlin's first to get fixed up?

Kairi: SCREW Merlin, he can suck my rack! He couldn't even curse his way out of a wet paper bag!

Sora: You're losing blood very rapidly!

Kairi: Well, aren't YOU the perfect genius! What medical school did you go to, Yale?

Sora: Stop it!

Kairi: I think i'd know if I were "losing blood very rapidly", Sora.

Sora: Well, considering my carpet is getting stained red, i'd say it's a pretty good guess you're bleeding.

Kairi: Aww, i'm bweeding all over your widdle carp-

(Kairi looks at her hand and screams)

Kairi: AAAAAHH! Sora, i'm bleeding!

(Kairi faints from shock and blood loss)

Sora: ...

~~~END~~~

AN: Short chapter I felt like doing. For the record, I do not aim to make the characters realistic. For the most part, they carry out conversations I could imagine myself having with an odd enough individual. The first conversation originated from my chatroom, the second came from my MSpaint "comic", AnsemLOL. The third was just me prattling on after I ran out of ideas.

If you want to check out my "comic", Formspring me and i'll post the Imageshack links. Beware, they're 3 panels long, always involve a very bad joke and are poorly made.

Oh... and also, i'm sorry for Kairi's rapid character derailment there. It was meant to be a side-effect of her bloodloss, but it turned out really sloppy. I'm sorry.


	7. The End

Chapter 6: The Worst Thing Ever.

Riku, now 17, was surfing online one day, checking out chatrooms like he always did on Saturdays. And also like other Saturdays, he did not find anything good. Sora walked in as Riku started pummeling his desk.

"It's the day after Valentine's and i'm still single! WHY AM I SO ALONE?" Riku wailed as he came dangerously close to destroying his desk. Yes, it was true. Riku was single for Valentine's day. And that's depressing.

"Y'know, Riku, it's people like you I downright _despise._ You make the day after Valentine's insufferable, you know that?" Sora said "Really, you go around and make a big fuss which annoys everyone else. And then others get angry and yell at others, who in turn get angry. You guys suck."

"Sora!" Riku was suprised Sora was in his room. He sure as hell hadn't heard him come in, that's for sure. Quickly, Riku minimised the Pornfap window. "I didn't hear you come in!"

"So your earwax is as thick as your skull" Sora retorted. "I set off the smoke alarm on my way up and accidently knocked Ansem out a window."

*-Meanwhile-*

"HELP ME!" Ansem squealed as he hung off the top tower of Disney Castle by his trademark badass longcoat. Mind you, this is the evil Ansem we're talking about. Real Ansem doesn't- You know, I won't spoil it for those who haven't played KHII.

Anywho, Kairi was on her way to Riku's room with a big platter of brownies when she heard Ansem. Curious, she poked her head out of a window and saw Ansem's predicament.

"Hey Ansem!" Kairi called out, completely oblivious to the danger he was in. "What are you doing out there?"

"Oh, just HANGING AROUND! HELP ME UP!" He yelled. This startled Kairi and caused her to drop her brownies out of the window she was peeking out of.

*-Meanwh-what? Another Meanwhile? What about Riku and Sora?-*

Goofy was napping in the garden when a brownie fell on his face, rousing him from his sleep. Initially, he was pissed that he had been caught offguard. But then, he realised the projectile that had hit him.

"BROWNIE!" yelled Goofy, who leapt up. Unfortunately, the brownie was disturbed from it's resting place and fell on the grass. This saddened Goofy... Until another brownie landed on his nose. And another on his helmet. It was raining brownies!

"HOMYGAWRSH, IT'S A'RAININ' BROWNIES!" Yelled Goofy, completely ignoring the fact I just said that. Bastard. Anywho, Goofy danced in the brownies until the platter fell on him with a satisfying "WHUMP!"

*-Meanwhile, Back On the Tower-*

"Wow, that was one big-ass platter of brownies." Ansem said "I'm sorry for your loss."

"Damn right, they had the best weed this side of Timbuctoo!" yelled Kairi in a mournful voice.

*-Meanwhile, BACK IN RIKU'S ROOM AT LAST-*

Riku had forgotten his previous anguish and decided to check up on the Kingdom Hearts fandom. He stayed well away from fanfiction (knowing full well what he'd do if he clicked a bad link) and instead veered into Fanart country.

"Uhh, Riku..." Sora began "If you gouged your eyes out at fanfiction, what do you think fan ART will make you do?"

"Simple, Sora. I'll stick to the BAD fanart. There can't be any yaoi fanart if it's bad, the fans would feel too bad ruining us."

"Ohhhhhhhhh."

"See? Now, where's Kairi?"

"She was bringing up a big-ass platter of brownies last time I saw her. Maybe sh-"

Suddenly, Goofy burst through Riku's door entirely naked. Riku barely had the time to WindowsKey+L his computer before Goofy smashed into it. When he was done, it was beyond repair.

"NOOOOO!" screamed Riku "You were so young!"

"...The computer, or the porn?"

"...I'm sorry, _what_?"

They were once again rushed by the naked Goofy, who ran right past them and through the wall.

Did I mention Riku lived in the attic of the tallest tower? Yeeeeah, Goofy is _fucked._

*-Meanwhile-*

Kairi had somehow gotten stuck out the window with Ansem.

"Oh CRAP, someone help me!"

"...Don't you mean **us**?"

"No, you're evil. Evil people deserve to die."

"...Bitch."

"And don't you know it."

And then naked Goofy fell past them, yelling gibberish. The fighting stopped.

"...Maybe..." Kairi began "...I could use my Keyblade to climb up the wall and get to the window..."

Ansem went to say how stupid it was, and how the chance of her not dying was pretty slim, but he stopped himself. He needed entertainment.

*-Meanwhile. Again.-*

Goofy landed on the silver platter with a satisfying "Whump!"

*-Meanwhile, in the attic-*

"Ehh..." Merlin examined Riku's computer very thoroughly. Riku looked at Merlin desperately.

"How bad is it, doc? TELL ME THE TRUTH!"

"..."

Merlin kicked the modem and it began working again. While in several pieces all over the floor. Though really, did you click "Next Chapter" expecting stuff making sense?

Riku let out a squee of delight. "Jethro!" He cried while hugging his severely damaged modem.

"...Riku, did you name your computer?"

"Yeah. Don't you name your stuff, Sora?"

"No. No, I do not."

"I heard you call your phone Kairi! And you talk to it!"

"..."

"...What?"

"Well," Merlin interrupted "as amusing as you fellows can be, I need to go play some God Hand. Fat mexican, thinking he can get up in my grill..."

Suddenly, Merlin's beeper went off.

"Hmm, maybe not. Looks like there's been another brownie attack" sighed Merlin, as he packed up his bag and began shuffling out of Riku's room.

"That reminds me... Where's Kairi?" wondered Sora.

*-Meanwhile-*

"HELP ME!" screamed Kairi as she hung from a windowsill by her Keyblade.

"Oh for crying out- CLIMB UP THE KEYBLADE!"

"I'm too weak, and the keyblade's too slippery!"

"...Did you get enough oxygen as a baby? Really, you SHOULD HAVE KNOWN YOUR KEYBLADE IS TOO SMOOTH TO CLIMB."

"Hey, Ansem, CAN'T YOU FLOAT?"

"LJSFGH;OHGTYJMIXDHG"

And then Merlin walked by.

"Hey Ansem, looks like you're stuck out there. Can't you just float?"

and Ansem did float. Right into Merlin's face. With a knife.

Ansem likes knives.

AN: "Ansem likes knives." Chilling words that will stay with you for the rest of your life.

If you're looking for big, sappy, emo-teen notes, check out Scenes from God of War II that should have made the cut. But hoo boy, try not to get utterly pissed at me and/or worried about what I wrote. Seriously, I just need to chill. Kthnx.

But on a serious note, thank you for reading this stuff. Writing it has been both fun and pretty damn disappointing at times (It's just the way I am.)

Adios.


End file.
